Ricky Hatter, NOT Harry Potter
by I-can't-breathe-on-this-site
Summary: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU HAVE ANY REASON TO THINK THAT THIS STORY IS ABOUT HARRY POTTER. And if you don't review I will send my undead minions after you.
1. Chapter 1

Thingy: okay first of all, Hi, Rachel! And second of all…um, something. Oh yeah! I'm supposed to be writing a story! I forgot. Sorry. Actually I'm not. So, innyhoo, I think this story will be about (I'm going to make it up as I go along as if you couldn't tell) um…definitely NOT Harry Potter. In NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM will this story be about Harry Potter (I almost wrote Pooter) I repeat, this story will NOT—oh fuck it. I think you get the point.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Which is weird for me to say considering that this is NOT a story about Harry Potter.

One day at Frogsuck academy of Really Weird Shit the students were having a (I don't want to use the word feast) food. It was early in the morning and three particularly magical brats had just finished with their first class of the day. Except for the female one, she still had one grueling ridiculous class about something that would never come in handy later in her life and bored most of the students so much they went insane and pierced their own eyeballs with forks, but she just sat their and enjoyed every minute of it because she's somewhat of a masochist. Innyhoo back to the golden children.

"Could you pass the salad, Crack-ho?" asked…um…NOT Harry Potter…um, Ricky Hatter. Yeah.

Just go with it, people

"No! I'm Wino. Jenny's Crack-ho." Said Shawn indignantly.

"Oh, sorry. I keep forgetting." Said Ricky to his sunburned friend. Shawn went back to his dinner completely forgetting about the salad.

"Shawn, I said, Could you pass the salad?" Said Ricky, irritated.

Shawn continued with his food and pointedly looked away. He was raising his eyebrows and looked somewhat like he had Down's syndrome.

Ricky sighed. "Wino?" he said exasperatedly.

Shawn looked up and smiled brightly.

"Yes?" he replied briskly.

"Salad!" Ricky yelled at him, strongly wishing he were closer to the leafy goodness of it all.

Okay! My mom just told me I have twenty minutes until I have to go to bed so I'm going to try and write this thing in one sitting!

Suddenly Shawn and Ricky's best friend, Audrey came and plopped herself down on the bench across from them.

"Hey, Pothead!" said Shawn excitedly.

Ricky noticed that whenever Audrey came around Shawn always seemed put both hands between his legs and curl into somewhat of a ball.

Audrey made a face. "You know how much I hate those names, Shawn."

When Audrey was distracted with her seventeen dictionaries in various languages Shawn leaned over and whispered in Ricky's ear.

"I have a massive erection." Ricky inhaled his fork.

"What should I do?" asked Shawn as Ricky proceeded to make choking noises and turn blue.

"Ricky! Help me out man, come on!" Ricky collapsed, his face falling forward and landing in his heavily dressed salad and splattering vinegar dressing everywhere.

Audrey looked up from her dictionaries, which she had been attempting to read at the same time, and glanced at Ricky with her beady little eyes.

The author (me) asks how Shawn could ever be remotely fond of the buck-toothed, bushy-haired, butt-ugly, beady-eyed, hairy-nosed, bitchy, sea cow that is Herm—AUDREY! Hhmm, guess she smells right or something. Innyhoo back to the story.

Now that Ricky was dead and Shawn was left hanging…um, I don't actually have an end to that sentence I just liked the way it sounded in my head.

Okay, let's say Fred and—NO! Joe and…Jeff showed up. And then some shit went down.

"Yee-ha!" Joe came riding into the main place where everybody eats on the back of an extremely large manatee (don't ask), wearing nothing but ass-less chaps made from cow skins and a fringed cowboy hat.

Jeff came in right behind him riding a unicycle and with his sister Jenny on his shoulders wearing a tutu and looking less than eager to be there.

And just as fast as they had appeared the trio un-appeared.

No one but Audrey seemed to notice the three red-headed children enter the dining room, and she didn't really care.

Then suddenly Sting appeared—oh sorry, I meant Lord Oldyguy showed up and started stealing people's souls.

And Ricky Hatter came back to life, but he wasn't really alive since he still had a fork in his windpipe and couldn't breathe. But he was movin' around! Kind of.

And then he and Audrey and Shawn (still with a stark erection) defeated him, for the time being of course, with their abnormal-for-a-bunch-of-teenagers skillfulness.

And Lord Oldyguy's spirit flew away and went to go find another body to scare people with (because if you think about it that's what it's all about). And then everyone went back to their miserable lives until Lord Oldyguy came back again and fucked with them.

THE END!

Yes, I realize that it seems like I'm not a big Harry Potter fan, but I am. I'm just jealous because I wish I could write like that. And I love to make fun of things. A lot.

Oh, and disregard everything I just said because this story is not about Harry Potter.

And remember that the Geeks shall inherit the earth.

Except for Bill Gates, he's an asshole.

PEACE!


	2. three blind mice

Disclaimer: I do happen to own Ricky Hatter, but NOT Harry Potter. But this isn't a story about Harry Potter…okay, that's getting really old really fast. Oh, and have you ever tried clams? I would like to know what they're like if you have. Do they really make you horny? OH! Sorry, right the…thing and the story, yeah, yeah whatever…oh, and Hi Rachel!

Theses are some things you should know before reading this:

I have a really strong craving for powdered doughnuts

I like apple pie

If you would like your home re-carpeted, go somewhere else

You remind me of Ted Kennedy

And this story is about Ricky Hatter, NOT Harry Potter

Oh, and this chapter is called Three blind mice…for no reason at all, really.

One day the three sickeningly talented youths, Audrey, Ricky and Shawn were walking down to…um, Hogbutt, the uh, gardener, yeah! They went down to his shack and started talking to him and shit.

"Hey, Hogbutt?"

"Yes, Audrey?" said Hogbutt with his elegant British accent.

"Derrr, I have no personality! Hey Shawn, you suck!"

Shawn crossed his legs, which did practically nothing since his boner was so huge.

"Gaaaghh…" said Ricky, because he had a fork in his windpipe.

"Oh, Ricky you're so delightfully hilarious sometimes!" said Hogbutt.

Then suddenly everyone turned gay. Except Audrey because she was already a lesbo.

"Ricky, I love you!" said Shawn agonizingly sexily.

"I love you, too, Shawn!" said Ricky, grabbing Shawn and sticking his tongue down the guy's throat.

Audrey just sat there, normal as ever.

Hogbutt suddenly ran out the door in search of Vesuvius Snake.: he'd hid his secret passion for too long.

Then the principle, Bumblebee was making out with a teacher called Magnolia O'Leary. He then turned gay, and kept making out with O'Leary, because she is a man.

(Lola, La-La-La-La-Lola)

And then Joe and Jeff began making out with each other (because theatrical incest is fun).

And then Jenny came and sucked off Ricky Hatter 'cuz he's a girl (Je-rry, Je-rry, Je-rry).

And that doesn't make sense because I don't think it's physically possible to suck off a girl. Innyhoo…

Prof. Snake was sucking off Hogbutt and Joe and Jeff's older brother Waldo was making out with himself because he's a freak like that. And suddenly he had two faces.

I love having control like this!

And then Lord Oldyguy showed up and some more magical shit went down.

Oldyguy was like trying to kill Ricky and then he turned gay and made out with him and stuff. And then he killed him because it turns out Ricky was a girl!

And then Teach Jasmine showed up on the Frogsuck united…uh, trainline. And he was half mermaid so he had a fish instead of a cock. Get it?

Then whatsisbucket Jasmine started killing people with his tail (he'd like slap it over their face and asphyxiate them, it was cool)

And then some more shit went down and Lord Olgyguy went away until he came back and fucked with the Bronze Triplets some more.

The end…for now! Dun, dun, dun!

A/N: I am so sorry about that.


	3. In which we use the word, MarySue

Gorgonzola!

I smell glue?

Question mark.

"Hi, this is George!"

Is it not?" I forgot the first quotation mark. Thing. Period. I almost put perdiod.

And then I opened the door and the keys came out of her hand.

Marge was sleeping and then she got woken up by Maggie—oh yeah Harry Potter fic! I forgot. Again.

POOP.

YAY!

Does anyone need an altoid? I do. Badly.

"HELP! Said Trelawney." Said George.

There was a spider and then it was an exclamation point!...!...but not really!

And it saw Ron and it was all "AAAAAAHHHH! A Ron!"

And then some shit went down.

And George came back to life! thrice!

"And then he left the room!" said Said. No really Said is a Mary-Sue!

And then ther4e was femme-slash but then they all had sex changes and it was just regular slash. WEEEEEEEEEEE!

I just struggled for the word comma!

I have to pee! But not really. Oh yeah! Harry Potter was there.

I have to keep mentioning him because otherwise you'll forget that this is about him.

And then there was Voldemort.

Martinelli makes good sparkling cider.

I apologize to J.K. Rowling for maiming her story.

"YEAH!" said Harry. But it was really Mundungus.

"Naw-aw!" Yaw-haw!

Okay we're done. Sleep easy now.


End file.
